20 Signs Your Inner Child Needs Healing
Childhood trauma manifests in many ways
What is inner child healing?
Inner child healing is the examination of your own childhood, which includes the beliefs and wounds you’ve been carrying with you that you have never truly taken the time to analyse, forgive and integrate as part of your human experience. (Read more)
Inner child healing has everything to do with the treatment of you’ve received from others, especially in the early years of your life when you didn’t know how to set boundaries, communicate your needs and defend yourself.
When you do the inner child healing, you integrate the “energy” linked to the painful memories from the past, which in turn frees you from the “triggers” (that keep you re-living the past).
Once you’ve done enough inner child healing, you restore your inner peace and begin to live with more joy & appreciation for the present moment.
Here are 20 signs your inner child needs healing!
1. FEAR OF SPEAKING UP
If your parents or teachers didn’t encourage you to express your ideas, you might have gotten comfortable exploring them in your own time.
Ironically, the ideas most introverts carry within tend to be a lot more interesting than those of the extroverts precisely because of the time spent in solitude researching and developing one’s philosophy of life.
Yes, extroverts might be the life of the party, but they often lack the depth of introverts, because they haven’t had the time to develop their own thinking — always surrounded by other people and their views.
It’s OK to share your ideas.
It’s OK to have different ideas!
It’s OK to bring different thinking to the table.
“There are many people who want to hear your ideas. ”
Don’t let your past experiences of being “ignored” stop you from expressing your unique ideas now that you’re a lot older than your inner child.
If anything, channel the excitement of your inner child as you speak up about the things that matter to you!
2. FEAR OF ASKING FOR HELP
Do you know why some people never ask for help?
It’s not because they don’t need help.
It’s not because they don’t have their own needs.
It’s not because they can do it all.
It’s because they have gotten used to being around people who refused to help them or lacked the emotional maturity to “really be there” for them.
Unfortunately, when you learn that a certain group (of friends and family) cannot be trusted, you start bringing that belief in every situation you enter.
This means that when you meet new people, you automatically assume they will be just like the people you’ve always had around you.
But that’s not always the case!
Every day is a learning opportunity and as we move through the different classrooms in the School of Life, the teachers will change too.
“The fear of asking for help is really a trust test — are you ready to trust people again and open up emotionally to others? ”
Believe me, there are many people, some who are already in your life and some who you’re yet to meet, who would like to support you on your journey to success (even if those from your past couldn’t do that due to their own unresolved trauma).
3. FEAR OF BEING SEEN
No, I’m not talking about stepping in the spotlight.
The fear of being seen is a fear that comes when you want to embrace your authenticity and you’re afraid how others are going to react.
Whether you want to dress a specific way, discuss topics that others don’t understand or lead a movement you’re passionate about, the fear of being seen is all about giving yourself permission to be yourself.
It’s OK to be different.
Look around — how we’re surrounded by people who look, act and think the same way. How disappointing!
“We need your authenticity!”
We need original ideas.
We need to normalise embracing our individuality so that we can learn from each other and co-create amazing things together!
4. FEAR OF SAYING NO
Were you punished with tough love when you didn’t want to do something as a child? Did you meet the disapproving, disappointed, maybe even slightly angry gaze of your parents when you attempted to say NO?
It’s OK to say NO when you don’t want to do something.
You’re an adult now.
If you don’t want to hang out with specific people (anymore), you don’t have to.
If you don’t want to engage in hobbies that used to give you joy, but now rob you of your joy, you’re allowed to move on.
“Saying NO liberates you even more so than saying YES. ”
Saying NO helps you realign with the things you are 100% excited to say YES to!
There’s no punishment when you say NO.
Yes, some people might be disappointed you don’t want to participate in activities with them or even connections with them, but keep this in mind:
NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO BE THEIR FRIEND if you don’t to participate in the relationship.
If you feel pressured to be friends with someone, you’re likely dealing with emotional manipulation — no wonder you don’t want to be friends with them!
5. FEAR OF COMMITMENT
People that have a fear of commitment are not monsters without any emotions.
On the contrary, they approach relationships with a lot of “information processing” that happens in their subconscious mind (the domain of their belief system).
They’re not aware of it, but they’re always scanning the room for potential “attacks” from people, because others have repeatedly disappointed them in the past, and they would like to avoid getting their feelings hurt.
Their strategy is to leave first, to disappear first, to make the attack first, so that their “opponent” doesn’t even get a chance at poking them (and their insecurities).
Much like the fear of asking for help, the fear of commitment builds up over time from consistently being on the receiving end of unfair treatment from trusted people in your life, friends and family, who the lack emotional maturity and refuse to do the inner work to “grow up”.
No one can overcome the fear of commitment but the person who’s experiencing it.
I bet you already know what I’m going to say…
This is another life lesson that requires a “trust fall” to reboot your system!
6. PEOPLE PLEASING
There are different degrees to people-pleasing.
Some people lack the emotional and mental depth of self-discovery to the point that the only way they know how to “make it” in life is to shapeshift their personality to meet the expectations of those with more power than them.
Other people use people pleasing because of a deeply rooted insecurity around whether they’re worthy of love, support and success — or not.
Either way, people pleasing is a coping strategy that comes from unhealed trauma.
If you’re a people pleasure, you are unable to show your true authentic self to the world, always consumed with other people’s impressions and needs. This in turn results in forming very superficial relationships that never truly acknowledge your skills, talents and individuality — and at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all truly crave?
To be seen, to be recognised, to be loved and supported for all that we bring to the world by being ourselves!
The moment you stop “putting a show” for other people out of fear they won’t like you or understand you, you’ll discover a new way of living.
Give yourself permission to stop acting and start being.
There’s only one of you and the world needs of all us just as we are!
7. INABILITY TO ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS
Our belief system is rooted in our subconscious mind.
Unless we take a deep dive and investigate what’s going on there, we tend to operate on autopilot when it comes to reacting and decision-making.
The inability to accept compliments is something that is learned, especially in the early years of your upbringing.
Think about your parents and teachers: were they able or unable to receive compliments?
We adopt a lot of our beliefs thanks to our observations of the world around us as children and we carry those beliefs unknowingly until we start to do the inner work of “rewriting the inner narrative”.
Earlier on, I wrote that there are many people who want to support you, uplift you and love you on your journey to success. Those same people want to shower you with compliments — let them!
8. INABILITY TO DELEGATE TASKS
Most high performers have experienced the “can-do-it-all” attitude at some point in their life.
Do you remember that high performance is a side effect to childhood trauma? Yup, even the CIA knows it!
Our inability to delegate tasks can be linked to attempting to ask for help and being disappointed with the results:
Scenario A: The person we asked refused to do it
Scenario B: The person we asked agreed to do it but didn’t
Scenario C: The person we asked agreed to do it but took forever to do it
Scenario D: The person we asked agreed to do it and did it but with a lot of errors
Scenario E: The person we asked agreed to do it and got it 100% wrong
There are many more scenarios you can come up with, but you get the idea.
It saves you time and energy to do it all on your own — or at least that’s what you think!
“Being a high performer 24/7 is just not natural.”
We have been conditioned by society to believe that our worth is linked to our results and if we can’t deliver results, then we amount to nothing.
That narrative fits the economy, but it’s not true.
We are human BEINGS, not human doings.
Learning to delegate tasks not only helps you to manage your energy with more ease and joy, but it allows you to connect with others, co-create with them and grow side by side.
9. CONSTANT SELF-CRITICISM
Never underestimate the impact your early life role models had on you.
If you grew up around people who were self-critical or full of negativity, even if they never “used it against you”, you might have adopted that way of living simply by observing them.
Remember that you subconscious mind is always watching, analysing and recording data.
And if you grew up around people who were not only self-critical, but they also directed some of the criticism towards you, then you are even more likely to regularly treat yourself with unkindness.
It’s the kind of behaviour you’ve always known, so it’s easy to participate in it without thinking too much.
That’s where the power of doing the inner work comes into play!
The more you understand how your behaviour affects you, especially when it affects you negatively, the more you can “up-root” certain negative beliefs and replace them with a more positive approach to life.
Self-love is transformational!
10. DEEPLY ROOTED SADNESS
When we lack self-love, we often turn to other people to love us and look after our emotional needs.
And when people can’t love us or look after our emotional needs the way we EXPECT or NEED them to, we develop a deeply rooted sadness that comes with all kinds of false narrative statements.
“Why can’t I find love?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“Why can’t I never get anything done right?”
“Why is it that nobody loves me?”
The list goes on…
Self-love sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.
In other words, if your relationships are experiencing turbulence, they all mirror the primary relationship – the relationship you have with yourself.
Remember that you’re not a child anymore, even if your consciousness is at that level (because you haven’t done the inner work of childhood trauma healing, shadow work and shifting your belief system).
Everything starts with you!
11. JEALOUSY
What comes after you’ve been living with sadness, disappointment and lack of deeply felt support for a long time?
You get jealous when others receive love, compliments and admiration easily!
This jealousy has nothing to do with the other individuals, of course.
It has everything to do with you.
That’s the most important lesson, especially when it comes to the inner child healing work…
Yes, you might have been treated poorly, unfairly, strictly, with lots of unnecessary judgement and even hatred — but you’re not that child anymore!
“You are now the adult that can hold the hand of your inner child and rewrite the narrative for the rest of your life.”
Jealousy is just a reminder where you need to apply more self-love and self-compassion.
Jealousy is a prompt for you to keep uprooting the false beliefs, so that you can plant new healthier beliefs that allow you to connect with others and lead your life with more love.
12. CONSTANT COMPARISON / COMPETITION
No child is born competitive.
Yes, children might compete for love and attention, but their upbringing can teach them to share or show them to “go against others” because there are limited resources on Earth.
In reality, there’s plenty of resources for all of us and love’s a resource that will never end!
The spirit of constant comparison might be picked up at school where there was a division of “losers vs winners” or at home where your brother(s) or sister(s) got more “approval” from your parents.
When you notice that you’re always comparing your worth, achievements and even material possessions to other people’s success, what’s happening is that on some level you are seeking external validation.
There’s a belief in your belief system that you must fulfill some criteria in order be worthy of love, attention and happiness in life.
It’s all in your head!
The more you learn to stay in your own lane and focus on your vision, the more you’ll be able to enjoy your everyday experience of life.
13. NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH
If you’re not feeling good enough just being yourself, you are comparing yourself to something: what is it?
The first task is to figure out what it is that makes you feel not good enough:
a role model
a beauty standard
an (outdated) idea
a type of behaviour
a set of habits
When you understand what you’re going “against”, you can conquer it.
“Often we fight the biggest battles with ourselves — the inner battles.”
To not feel good enough is to expect of you to be something that you are not at this present moment.
Allow yourself to just be and observe the resistance diminish.
Give yourself permission to be imperfect, because none of us can ever be perfect. All we can do is get better daily — that’s all!
14. SCARED OF BEING ALONE
The fear of being alone usually comes as a result of not being given enough space to bloom and blossom into your own person.
When we grow up in a household where there’s co-dependency, we bring that into the friendships we form as we grow into our “own own person”.
Ironically, because of this belief (rooted in our belief system) we need to share every aspect of our life with someone else (parents, friends, peers, etc), we never learn the lesson of true independence, constantly switching between the different “supporting” roles available:
daughter / son
sister / brother
cousin
friend
partner
boyfriend / girlfriend
colleague
The best way to overcome the fear of being alone is by taking small but consistent steps towards self-discovery and independence daily until you are able to understand the beauty of your true authenticity!
The current money-based society benefits highly from our inability to be alone, because if we were to invest in our self-growth and discovered our soul purpose, we’d see through the many illusions and refuse to participate in the “false matrix”.
“Dare to be bold, brave and authentic!”
Be your own person and watch your whole life transform.
15. REPRESSED ANGER
Your inner child remembers all the moments where you lacked support or faced unfair treatment from people who were meant to protect you, even if you have managed to “lock” the memories, so that you’re not reminded of them daily.
But here’s the thing…
To heal your inner child, you need to feel your emotions!
Yes, you will most likely discover anger that you’ve been carrying with you for many years.
It’s essential that you sit with that anger and feel it. You can use it to create art, journal or move your body (dancing, running, stretching).
Allow the anger to move through you and slowly move out of your system.
Anger weighs us down.
Anger is heavy.
“It’s OK to release the anger. Let it transform into passion and help you fulfill your potential!”
You’re not a child anymore. You can set healthy boundaries, communicate your needs and protect your inner world.
All the power’s within you now. Use it wisely!
16. BEING THE "PARENT" FIGURE
If you grew up around emotionally immature parents, I am sure you had plenty of laughs together, but when you really needed someone to support, uplift and inspire you — they weren’t the ones to do it.
You had to figure it out on your own!
So somewhere along the way you also figured out this:
“If I can help myself, then surely I can help others!”
It is not your job to parent other people (unless they’re your kids).
It’s not your job to parent other adults.
I know that you’re more than capable of being a great caretaker, but it’s not your job to look after the wellbeing of every person in your life at the expense of ignoring all of your needs.
It’s OK to prioritise your needs. If you don’t, who else will?!
Self-care is not selfish: it’s a prerequisite for being a healthy human being.
Give yourself permission to meet people and leave them where they are. It’s not your job to “fix” them, “open their eyes to their potential” or “save” them.
Instead, be the example they look up to as they do their own inner work!
17. NO BOUNDARIES
The empaths of the world love to share their love and kindness with everyone they meet, which often leads them to having zero boundaries to protect their own mental health.
Empathy is another operational mode that happens due to unresolved childhood trauma.
The 4 childhood trauma archetypes in adults (Childhood Trauma & Narcissism)
No one knows exactly what you need to function in a healthy, fulfilling way but you.
Give yourself some breathing room!
Give yourself the same grace you give to other people.
Allow yourself to step into authenticity and shine so bright that your empathy inspires other people to live with more empathy in their own hearts!
Your boundaries are necessary in order for you to maintain your health.
It’s OK to honour your needs!
It’s also OK to cut people off when they consistently cross your boundaries or lack any interest getting to know your true authentic self.
When you’ve lived without boundaries for a long time, you might have attracted a lot of “energy vampires” feeding on your kindness without ever returning that kindness back to you in any shape or form (also known as one-sided relationships).
It’s OK to let some people go, because there are so many other people in the world who want to love you the same way that you love — wholeheartedly!
18. INABILITY TO RELAX
The inability to relax often stems from the “high performer” mindset who needs to prove to the world they are worthy of love.
Needless to say, your worth does not come from your accomplishments, it comes from your heart — from your daily choices to be a decent human being who treats people with kindness and respect.
If you are always trying to make the world a better place with your ideas, your habits and your career path, you are among the (few) people who are actually changing the world by being yourself.
Give yourself permission to rest.
The world needs your light now more than ever.
Even the Sun takes a break at night!
19. SEEKING EXTERNAL VALIDATION
The more you align with your authentic self and your soul purpose, the more you will pave your own path into the world.
Let people be puzzled. Let people ask questions. Let people wonder how you’re doing it!
But don’t ever think for a second to change yourself to “fit in” with the existing narratives in society.
These narratives are limiting, based on conditional love, designed to suppress our individuality to keep us running on the hamster wheel of capitalism.
It’s OK to not receive external validation as you begin to work on your soul purpose — the vision has been revealed to you, not to the rest of the world.
Why?
Because you are strong enough, intelligent enough, kind enough, positive enough, persistent enough, enlightened enough TO GO AND GET IT DONE!
“Don’t let people’s inability to understand you stop you from being yourself.”
Your authenticity inspires the awakening in others — the awakening to reclaim their own identity and step into their power!
Keep paving the way forward.
For every person that doesn’t get you or doesn’t know how to support you as you elevate, there are 5 more that do: you just haven’t met them yet!
Keep going.
20. INABILITY TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS
The last lesson took me the longest to learn.
It’s OK to celebrate the daily wins and the big milestones, even if you’re not exactly where you want to be (or thought you’d be by now).
It’s the journey that counts, not the end destination!
Hold the hand of your inner child and review every day through the lens of gratitude for you have done so much inner work that you are now able to remain in a state of joy wherever you are in life.
That’s the real achievement!
Look at you — becoming the role model you needed when you were a child.
